Published by The i paper (26th May, 2025)
Here we go again. Another leader of the Conservatives is floundering, crushed by the job and haunted by their past. An ambitious rival stokes her pain, while Boris Johnson prowls around to remind people of his presence. The polls look disastrous. The public is not interested in anything they say. Threadbare policies expose a party bereft of confidence or ideas despite the cost of living concerns, a flailing economy, shattered public services and alarming global turbulence. So there is panicked talk of plots at Westminster, mutterings about a putsch.
Truly, it is deja vu all over again.
This witty aphorism was coined supposedly by the American baseball legend Yogi Berra after seeing rivals repeatedly hit home runs. The New York Yankees catcher turned manager was famed for his malapropisms and memorable quips, several of which can be applied to the tormented modern Tory party. There is my favourite one – “the future ain’t what it used to be” – which mocks their arrogant complacency and belief in their right to rule. Then there is his line – “a nickel ain’t worth a dime” – on declining value. “We made too many wrong mistakes” is painfully apposite. And perhaps Conservative strategists might like to ponder that, “if people don’t want to come to the ballpark, how the hell are you gonna stop them?”
Most pertinent is the advice that he gave once to a young player trying to imitate a veteran slugger: “One thing we know for sure: if you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.” This reflects the need for authenticity – such a powerful weapon in modern politics – along with the wisdom of players in following their own path rather than simply trying to mimic a skilful rival.
Tragically, the Tories have ignored such advice for a decade as they attempted to copy Nigel Farage while morphing after Brexit into a pale imitation of his various populist parties. The inevitable result has been declining popularity, leading to a shrunken pool of talent, catastrophic local election results earlier this month and a dismal slide into sad irrelevance.
Kemi Badenoch – the latest incumbent in their searingly hot seat – seems useless while driven by a belief in her own brilliance, which is always a lethal combination. This is a shame, given her intriguing background growing up under military rule in Nigeria. Yet her ineptitude was underlined last week at Prime Minister’s Questions, when she asked Sir Keir Starmer if he was planning a U-turn on winter fuel payments that he had just announced. This bumbling performance has sparked fresh despair on her own side as the party bumps along in the polls at a historic low behind Reform UK, Labour and the Liberal Democrats, who are feasting so happily on the rotting post-Brexit carcass of liberal conservatism in many traditional Tory heartlands.
Badenoch’s supporters in the leadership election told me how she was brave and brimming with smart ideas, even comparing her to Margaret Thatcher. But I saw instead a woman who sneered at carers with that contemptuous dismissal of this vital profession as “wiping bottoms”, then who sought to drag autistic people into her obsession with culture wars by backing a document that claimed so insultingly that it was economically and educationally advantageous to obtain a neurodiversity diagnosis. She has looked especially out of her depth on foreign policy, first claiming that Donald Trump will be a “force for good in the world” while stifling any criticism of this destructive US President, then condemning Keir Starmer’s mild criticism of Israel’s atrocities in Gaza in a crass echo of the appalling Benjamin Netanyahu.
Yet for all her many flaws – intensified by a gaping talent deficit on the denuded Tory benches that leads to Priti Patel serving as shadow Foreign Secretary – voters will not be lured back by another change of leader. Only a fool would fall for the flawed idea that the reptilian Robert Jenrick is the answer to their problems as he slithers across the political spectrum spewing out populist poison in search of the top job. Let alone the risible concept that voters are crying out for the restoration of Boris Johnson after this self-serving charlatan did so much to destroy public trust in both his own party and the wider political system.
The problems facing the Tories are far more profound and existential. This is a party that gave us the calamity of Brexit, then argued among themselves for eight years before leaving the country in such a mess when ejected by the electorate. Yet they decline to apologise for the shambles seen under Johnson or Liz Truss, let alone to accept that austerity went too far, atone for Brexit’s failures or show even the slightest contrition for their many mishaps in office. Instead, they look dazzled by the rise of nationalist populism as they rage about things such as immigration and net zero that they promoted in office. It is pitiful.
And of course, any voters lured by the siren sounds of populism prefer the real thing over an unconvincing, third-rate tribute act. There is deep irony at seeing this party of Winston Churchill, Benjamin Disraeli and Thatcher looking so irrelevant at a time when Trump is assaulting democracy and free trade on the global stage. And looking so pathetically lost when a stumbling Labour Government is shedding support fast and Reform UK is lurching to the left to profit from its distress.
This shift again exposes the slimy inauthenticity of Farage behind his slick talk and smiles. More importantly, its profligate platform opens up space for a sensible centre-right party committed to strong defence, sound economics, smart reform of the public sector and liberal values on issues such as free speech and trade. Instead, the Tories seem determined to keep on bickering among themselves as they tumble headlong into the trap of populism. They look increasingly doomed, whoever is at the helm. Although, as Yogi Berra once said: “It ain’t over ’til it’s over.”